Bring peace to the holiday tug of war

by KAREN S. ELLIOTT

Talk about holiday plans and expectations before you get into the mad dash so that down time—when you don’t have to go anywhere—can be preserved. © Jochen Sand

During many a holiday season, when I was in my 20’s and a new mom, I spent an hour in the car getting to my mother-in-law’s house for Christmas Eve.

On Christmas day, my husband and I would pack up the car and the toddler and drive to my mom’s house in the morning and then to my sister-in-law’s house in the afternoon. After the holiday, I was wiped out and angry—every year I vowed next year would be different. I was not having the Christmas I truly wanted, and I was frustrated—I didn’t know how to talk to my spouse about my holiday dreams.

But why do we do this? Why do we run, run, run during the holidays? According to Kim Leatherdale, a licensed counselor and therapist in Oldwick, New Jersey, women are naturally pleasers. We want everyone to be happy; we want everything to run smoothly. As a result, we rarely get to relax and enjoy the holiday. And we rarely have the opportunity to form our own family traditions. Many of us have not had the Christmas we dreamed about since we started our own family and succumbed to all the family pressure.

Holiday dreams and personal holiday preferences are not something most couples talk about before a relationship develops or even after you say the “I do’s.” But as the holidays approach, you hear little snippets about what others continue to take for granted. Your mother-in-law might hint about the menu for her Christmas brunch, or you might overhear your mom on the phone with a sister planning the Christmas Eve dinner. Some relatives may start planning your holiday for you simply because it’s what they did last year.

Perhaps now is the time to discuss holiday plans with your spouse. Decide on a time to sit down and talk about it before the invitations and expectations start to pile up. You don’t want to sound, or be, selfish in your Christmas planning, yet you need to strike a balance between pleasing everyone and having time for yourself and immediate family.

Let’s sit down with a checklist:

• Communicate. According to Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo (Wexford, Pa.), don’t imagine that your spouse is a mind reader. Sit down and talk about what you liked and did not like about last year’s holiday and discuss what’s important and not important. Be willing to listen and compromise, and be open to each other’s ideas of how to handle the holidays, demanding relatives, and a demanding schedule.

• Start your own traditions. When you are living at home with mom and dad, that’s your bubble. Once you are married, that should be the most important relationship—you need to move your bubble to surround you and your spouse, according to Kim Leatherdale, a counselor and therapist in Little Silver, New Jersey. If you want to start new traditions in your own home with your spouse, do it.

• Tune in to the kids. Be aware of your children’s needs and desires, within reason. If your teen daughter wants to see her BFF on Christmas Day, allow an opportunity for that to happen. Invite the BFF to visit on Christmas Day and talk to her parents ahead of time.

• Be aware of feelings. Leatherdale suggests that you be aware of other’s feelings but don’t feel responsible for them. Understand that your mother-in-law may be upset with this new plan. You are not responsible for making her happy—she is. And once you and your spouse decide on a plan, sit down with the families and discuss it together.

• Take turns. Has the holiday schedule of visiting been a little lopsided? More time with one family or the other? Decide to take turns, i.e., this year we go to your mom’s house for Christmas Eve, next year we go to my mom’s for Christmas Eve. Decide what part of the day you want to spend with your own family in your own home. And communicate that information to your relatives.

• De-stress the day. Wake up, grab the mug of coffee, relax and open gifts, and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Ask visitors to drop in after 12:00 (or at a time designated by you), and ask them to bring a covered dish like a brunch casserole, a crock pot of chili, or a pan of lasagna or enchiladas. And why not use paper plates? You are de-stressing your holiday—don’t ratchet it back up by having to cook and clean up all day. If you must cook the big turkey, do just that and ask everyone else to bring the extras.

• Recession adjustment. Are you feeling the pinch from the recession or a lost income? Perhaps it’s time to start a tradition of having a family gift-giving pool or purchase gifts just for family members under a certain age. Or use this time to teach children charity, and collect the money usually used for gifts and make a contribution to a local charity. Take a portion of the day and help out at a shelter.

I polled about 30 people—young and old, parents and children, husbands and wives—and found that a handful of responders had family members who sulked because they weren’t getting their own way. Again, you are not responsible for that person’s feelings. If it’s necessary to spend part of a day with that sulky person, have an out. Plan to go for a walk or to the park for an hour or plan a visit to the local science center or museum (check ahead for holiday hours!).

After a divorce you need to be even more flexible. Add to that a new blended family or additional in-laws. I’ve celebrated many holidays and birthdays a week before or a few days after the actual date on the calendar. Don’t push and pull your children or relatives into knots just so you can have the same Christmas morning that you’ve had for the last twenty years.

Communication and a little forethought is all you need to plan a better holiday. And may all your holiday dreams come true.

KAREN S. ELLIOTT is a freelance writer from North Dakota.