Helping children with fears

by KAREN SUTHERLAND

“Mommy, I’m scared!” your child screams. What parent, at one time or another, has not heard those words?

Your child clings to you when you get ready to go out. She runs the other way screaming when a dog approaches. He cowers in the corner when there is an electrical storm.

What do you do when this happens? How do you react? Do you ignore it? Do you empathize? Do you push him to try something you know he is afraid of? What should we do with our children’s fears?

We all know that there is no “monster in the closet,” and that nightmares are not real. We know that the noises they hear are often just the wind blowing outside or the banging of a loose door or shutter. However, for the child these fears are very real, and must be addressed before they become worse.

Many times childhood fears, which are unresolved, can last well beyond childhood and paralyze adult lives. How many of us can trace our fear of flying, of snakes, of heights, of speaking in public, back to childhood experiences. As a child I had a family friend who would routinely pick me up and swing me over a railing threatening to drop me. Perhaps that is why I am afraid of heights today.

All children are afraid at one time or another in their lives. Fear is a normal part of life. Fear will often come at a period when a child is learning many new things, and gaining new independence. It is at the beginning of a period of rapid, developmental growth. Fear helps “children solve developmental issues.” Fear can also be a sign to the child’s parents that he or she needs help from those parents, and support.
One of the first fears of a baby is the fear of falling. The baby will fling his arms open wide and then clutch at what ever is close by. This reaction is called the Moro reflex, and is quite common in the newborn.

The fear of strangers is also a fear which the parents encounter very early in their child’s life. This fear can develop as early as four to six weeks of age. At one month a baby knows the difference between his mother and father, and other people. Babies will demonstrate this knowledge in their response to others. This fear will come at certain periods throughout his first three years as he becomes more and more aware of new people and places.

To help your baby adjust to these changes it is wise for you to stay in view, and not allow others to rush up to him or grab him. They need to let the baby adjust to their presence. As he gets older, a regular play group with two or three children will help him adjust and relate to others.

What kinds of things are children afraid of? Fear takes many forms, and will vary from child to child. What one child is afraid of will not bother another child. My son, Dan, was frightened very early in his life by a large dog. To this day, he is not comfortable around dogs. Many children are afraid of dogs and other animals which might bite.

Babies and toddlers are most often afraid of strangers, being separated from their parents, loud noises, bright lights, and being left to fend for themselves. Children between three and seven are often afraid of animals, insects, the dark, death (their own or their parents), injury, doctors, dentists, heights, monsters, nightmares, going to school, storms, natural disasters, and deep water.

As they get older, from school age into adolescence, they are most often afraid of physical injury, having difficulty making friends, feeling inferior, feeling like a failure, and school. The best way to deal with feelings of inferiority and failure is to listen, to commend him for small successes, to allow him to gain self-confidence by having the successes and being special to you, and not push him to succeed.

Our world is a very dangerous place, with many threatening situations—such as war, famine, and nuclear disaster. It is our job as parents to convey hopefulness, to promote responsibility towards others, and to convince our children that we care. Hope and trust are the keys to fear.

One final word about fears. If your child’s fear lasts longer than six months, if it alters his lifestyle so that he is afraid to do his usual activities, if it affects his ability to make friends, it would be wise to seek professional help. Your pediatrician or hospital’s physician referral service will give you recommendations of appropriate doctors and/or counselors. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.

DEALING WITH FEAR
1. Be open. Be available. Spend time every week alone with your child so that he has the opportunity to talk with you and tell you about any fears he has.
2. Listen carefully to your child, and respect what he tells you about his fears.
3. Let her know that it is natural for everybody to be afraid and worry about things.
4. Allow him to confront the situation which he is afraid of with you at his side. Let him know that what is frightening and scary to him can be handled, and that you will be there.
5. If she worries about monsters under the bed or in the closet, look for those monsters — under the bed and in the closet. Then let her know they aren’t there.
6. Tell him that all children worry about those things.
7. If she acts independently and has victory over a fear, praise her for being so grown-up.
8. As he gets a little older, and has friends his age, have him ask his friends how they handled a certain fear.
9. Tell her the story of a time when you were afraid.
10. There are books and stories which show other children dealing with fear. Sometimes reading a story to a child about another child who was afraid will give that child a chance to verbalize his own fears. A few examples include: When I’m Sleepy by Jane R. Howard (Dutton); Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown (Harper); Are There Spooks in the Dark by Claudia Fregosi; Michael is Brave by H. E. Buckley (Lothrop); That Big Bruno by S. R. Tester (Child’s World); What’s in the Dark by C. Memling (Parents)
11. Set a good example.
12. Praise him for any achievement. Remind him how he handled his fears the last time.

KAREN SUTHERLAND is a freelance writer from Illinois.

©2009, Valley Living